Trying to pull it all together

So we had another baby.  Once again, our pregnancy was planned … ish.  We always wanted two, but psyching ourselves up for another round felt like getting ready to go back to war.  We were just starting to get our life back.  Rowan was three and pretty easygoing, or at least easygoing as three-year-olds go.  The memories of our first year with him still haunted us sometimes.  It had been so, so hard on all of us, but we had survived and now we had this great little family.  We could go places and have fun.  We could pay our bills.  

 

But we took the plunge anyway.  Rowan is such a people-lover, I hated the idea of depriving him of a sibling just because it might be hard at first.  And I can’t imagine not having my sister; our relationship always made me believe in siblings.  We could rationalize calling our family complete at three, but it didn’t feel right.  

Fast forward and now we have a rambunctious four-and-a-half-year old preschooler and a crazy-strong almost-ten-month old baby girl.  And I’m just finally getting around to organizing pictures and reflecting on the experience.  It’s been a pretty intense year, both harder and easier than we expected.

It's hard to see, but she's trying to suckle.

It's OK, we're going home ...

The first part that was easier was actually giving birth.  I’m a pretty health-conscious person, but I made a concerted effort to be even more healthy during my second pregnancy.  I gained a bit too much weight on top of my already thick build when I was expecting Rowan; we were both healthy, but still, my weight gain is probably why he weighed in at nearly 11 pounds.  I certainly wasn’t “dieting” while expecting Matilda, but I was more careful about what I ate and I gained a lot less.  I generally felt better during my second pregnancy. 

Until May.  I was due the first week of June so I though, hurray!  No pregnancy misery in the summer heat!  But then it ended up being in the 80s and even 90s for most of May.  And this time around, I was working full time right up until my due date.  It’s a wonder I didn’t freak out and throw a chair at someone. 

First snuggles at home

This picture kills me ... that's her.

I was due June 8, but all of my doctors and I agreed that a planned C-section was the safest option.  Rowan would have been in serious danger had I attempted to deliver vaginally.  As it was, getting him out via C-section was difficult and left both of us in rough shape.  Although they didn’t think Matilda was likely to be as large as Rowan, if she had his body type (bigger chest than head), it wouldn’t matter if she was only 6 pounds, she’d still get stuck.

So on June 3, Ben and I headed to the hospital before dawn, ready for surgery.  The doctor who delivered Rowan, Dr. Herron, no longer performed deliveries, so Dr. Wilsch had taken over as my primary OB and was scheduled for the surgery.  Both doctors worked with me throughout my pregnancy, so by June 3 Dr. Wilsch was thoroughly prepared.  This time we were ready for the syncope issues – when I started to fade during surgery, I got a boost of epinephrine.  Matilda turned out to be a relatively svelte 8 lbs. 6 oz. and emerged pretty easily.  Well, “easily” for major, crazy, unbelievably painful surgery, that is.  I mean, unlike Rowan, this time they didn’t have to use a vacuum in addition to carving open my abdominal wall.  (Seriously, though: let someone who has never had one call a C-section an “easy” option around me.  I dare them.)

Newborn arms!

Newborn legs!

Recovery was a different world this time around.  Matilda latched on like a champ and had NO interest in being swaddled.  For the first few days, her favorite position was spread-eagle on my chest, skin-to-skin.  Because she was such a good latcher, she was able to coax a lot more colostrum from me and actually nursed almost exclusively while we were in the hospital.  She continued to nurse while also taking bottles for about a month before I totally dried up.  I also had some issues with blockage and yeast, but I was still so proud and happy that she was able to nurse so much. 

All that bonding with Matilda was awesome, but when I think back on this time, it’s also rather bittersweet.  Matilda and I had such wonderful time bonding those first few days and I’m so glad we had that experience together.  But it’s hard to remember that bonding fondly without thinking of what a rough time the first 48 hours were for me and Rowan.  I remembered passing out not long after his delivery, but I thought it was only a short while until I came around.  I found out only recently that I was actually out if it for several hours.  And then Rowan was “frantic” – crying too hard to breathe properly.  We spent a lot of those first 48 hours apart and it breaks my heart whenever I think about it.

It’s impossible not to constantly compare the two experiences.  We constantly catch ourselves commenting: “Rowan loved that, too!”  “Wow, she’s WAY more into that than he ever was!”  In some ways they are practically doppelgangers, and in others they are polar opposites.  Despite her relatively average birth size, Matilda quickly rose through the percentiles and by six months she too had achieved 99^th percentile status for size.  Clearly, we make make big, healthy babies. 

Unfortunately, these big, healthy babies have not been very easygoing.  Sometimes it’s easier to cope with the tough infant behaviors now simply because we have a more real sense that it will one day end.  Of course, now we also have tough preschooler behaviors to deal with as well.  Matilda does the EXACT same thing that Rowan used to do when she’s upset – simultaneously push us away and want to be picked up.  It’s insanely frustrating this time around, too.  Matilda has more advanced gross motor skills now than Rowan did during late infancy (almost certainly due to the fact that he was coping with strabismus), which means she can pilot herself around much more effectively.  This means she’s free to explore, which makes her happy at times.  It also means that when she’s upset, it’s a constant game of: PICK ME UP!!! (She then climbs down of her own volition.)  WHY DID YOU PUT ME DOWN???

Matilda’s extra mobility keeps us running.  Obviously, she’s trying to keep up with her “brah-brah” (brother.)  She is usually a pretty good sport.  Unless she falls hard on one of the harder floors, she doesn’t tend to make a fuss.  She just keeps it moving.  It’s hard to say how much of her hardiness is just part of her nature and how much has developed from our approach as second-time parents.  WE don’t make that much of a fuss either anymore.  We’re hoping that being a second child, her personality, and our more seasoned approach will lead to her being a more adventurous and outgoing, and not so sensitive and hesitant.  And we’re hoping the effect goes both ways – the excitement of watching his sister grow up and try new things might help continue to draw Rowan out as well.

Don't let this face fool you!

The Sleep Battle

One of my greatest fears while expecting Matilda was that she would be a terrible sleeper.  I was right to be concerned, though I don’t know if “terrible” is fair – I’ve certainly heard of babies who are far worse than she.  But this girl definitely doesn’t love to sleep and it’s been hard.

During his first year, Rowan had a lot of really, really hard days.  Some days it felt like he would never stop screaming and crying.  But nearly every night it was like flipping a switch – he was down for the count.  He’s still like that, even if he’s bouncing off the walls right up until bedtime.  Once his head hits the pillow and the lights go out, he’s down.  Rowan’s just always been a pretty great sleeper.

Matilda is not.  She did pretty well with the same kind of rocking sleeper that Rowan had when she was a newborn.  At least I could get some decent stretches of sleep.  Then around three months she had a really promising streak of passing out so hard I could literally change her diaper without waking her up.  We transitioned to the crib at that point.  She did great for a couple of weeks, but then things fell apart.

Her sleep deprivation got so bad during the fourth month, I remember one day she was up for about 18 hours straight.  She was becoming delirious, but wouldn’t sleep.  Sometimes, she would calm and sleep for awhile at night if one of use was holding her, but clearly that wasn’t sustainable.  We started to lose our minds in less than a week.  I have no idea how parents deal with kids who are up ever half hour.

Eventually, we tried the Ferber technique, a method our pediatrician recommended.  It’s basically a humane version of “cry it out.”  We would put her in bed, she’d cry, but one of us would go in periodically to rub her back and reassure her, but leave her in her bed.  I didn’t like doing it, but she wasn’t calming down even when we were rocking her well into the night.  It was almost like helping her break an addiction. 

The first night was really hard, but once she finally fell asleep she slept longer than she had in weeks and she finally started to seem rested.  The next few nights were also pretty successful.  Since then, we’ve had some ups and downs, but she’s generally doing better.  The problem is a cold or some extra bad teething pain will derail her for a few days, and it’s hard to get her back on track.  She’s really getting too big to use the Ferber technique – she’ll just throw herself around the crib if we don’t pick her up and we’re afraid she’ll hurt herself.  So right now we’re back to some long nights of trying to calm her and get her to go down in the crib.  Fortunately, it’s not every single night.  I hope she can embrace a story-song routine like Rowan eventually and we can normalize bedtime.

Naps are a different but familiar story.  Matilda has a pretty erratic nap “schedule.”  We have ended up doing the same thing we did with Rowan – we just hold her while she naps.  With Rowan, a big part of our justification was that he never wanted to snuggle when he was awake, so we got our “fix” during naptime.  Matilda’s a little more snuggly (except for that super fun “up/down game”) but holding her during naps is almost like a compromise.  We can’t hold her all night, but we can hold her for a couple hours during a daytime nap.  She also tends to take longer, better naps if we just hold her; she goes down in the crib sometimes, but usually wakes after a relatively short while.  We’re hoping that she’ll outgrow this pretty soon like Rowan did. 

We have to constantly remind ourselves that nothing is permanent with a baby, but when we are sleep deprived it’s very difficult to maintain that kind of rational perspective.  And the reality is that she might not really outgrow these issues for a long time and we’ll just have to cope.  My mom says my sister didn’t really sleep through the night until she was about five.  (Shudder.)

Baby-Led Weaning

This time around we were determined to do everything we could to avoid another child with Rowan’s excessive pickiness and food aversions.  Rowan is a sensitive kid and texture aversion and general pickiness might just be part of his personality.  Still, we want to do everything we can to help Matilda have a healthier relationship with food (and hopefully inspire Rowan to start branching out a bit.)

My friend Adrienne introduced me to baby-led weaning a few years ago.  She and her husband did it with their son, Eden, and they’ve never had issues with pickiness and Eden eats a very well-rounded diet. Obviously, all kids have shifting tastes and preferences (just as adults’ tastes shift and change) but this approach seems to prepare a child to be willing to try and make choices, rather than making the parents push and compromise.

So Matilda is used to joining us at the table at mealtimes and she has tried a lot of foods.  Happily, she loves Ben’s homemade breads.  The crusty bread seems to also soothe her teething pain.  She’s tried all kinds of fruits and vegetables, some meats, potatoes, rice, farro, pasta, soups, beans and pancakes.  She eats some baby staples, too, like applesauce and yogurt.  Baby-led weaning has been good for us, too.  Ben and I are pretty healthy eaters – we both enjoy cooking and make almost everything from scratch, but this approach helps us remember to add more fruit and veggie options to every meal.

MATILDA, THE SECOND (An ode to our second born)

Matilda Jane is our queen.  She lifts her chin as she surveys her kingdom.  She orders around her parent-servants and laughs at her jester-brother.  She will have what your having.  She will go where she damn well pleases.

She will look up at you suddenly, imperiously – and then break into a lavish grin just for you because she loves you so much it makes her face explode with light.

She will rage that she is still, STILL a baby when clearly she is meant to rule.  She is simultaneously impatient and endlessly patient.  She imagines climbing mountains.  She wants to tell us her grand plans.  For now, she’ll settle for making a raspberry with her tongue.  She pulls herself up.

ROWAN, our baby who is somehow almost 5

Rowan is still Rowan.  I still struggle when his stubbornness becomes entangled in my own and I still falter when my blunt rationalism mixes poorly with his fragile sensitivity.  I worry about him all the time, then worry about my worrying. 

At first, starting school and becoming a big brother didn’t seem to impact him very much.  At least, we didn’t notice any immediate changes in temperament or behavior.  He didn’t even care when Ben stayed with me in the hospital because he was so psyched to have one-on-one Grandma Judy time.  I don’t think he would’ve cared if we were gone for a week.  My mom brought him to meet Matilda the day after she was born and Rowan said hello, gave out a few hugs and kisses … and then immediately wanted to leave and go play with Grandma some more.

Rowan had a pretty happy summer.  Ben and I were both home a lot, we made it to the beach a few times, and we had frequent family visits.  Otherwise, it wasn’t a notable summer – we were taking care of a newborn.

The best picture of the summer.

Also great. :)

Happy 4th Birthday, Rowan!

Preschool at St. Paul’s began without a lot of fanfare.  Rowan liked school immediately and didn’t have any major problems adjusting to full day, full week school.  It can be a little hard to get him to talk about his day, so I try to ask specific questions.  What was your favorite part of the day?  Did anyone have a bad day? What did you do during recess?  Did anything frustrate you?

Wah-waaaaah.

Rowan gets along with a lot of his classmates.  I went with his class on his first ever field trip to a pumpkin farm last fall, so I got to see him interact with the other kids.  And recently he attended a classmate’s birthday party and he had a great time.  I wouldn’t classify Rowan as a loner, but it’s apparent that he didn’t spend a lot of time socializing with his peers before pre-K.  He’s a very particular kid (I get it) and he often chooses to play on his own so he can engineer and control the game.  At the recent birthday party, I had to really strongly encourage Rowan to get him to sit at the table with all the other kids.  He didn’t want to eat the pizza, so at first he didn’t want to sit with the kids, either.

I’ve heard this sentiment from a lot of parents – you don’t want your kid to be “different” but nor do you want them to be the “same.”  We want him to make friends, but we want him to feel free to be himself.  We want him to try new things, but we don’t want to push him too hard too soon.  

Pre-K Halloween Parade

Dankert-Gross Family as Pumpkins

As he approaches Kindergarten, we spend a lot of time thinking about Rowan’s overall development.  We try not to let it overwhelm us.  When we fret about Rowan’s food aversions, we often have to remind ourselves that at least he isn’t of the hot dogs or chicken nuggets-only ilk.  He is obviously being raised by foodies as evidenced by these instances:

When Rowan came home yelling “DUNKIN DONUTS!” and then screaming with laughter.  We realized that since he doesn’t know what Dunkin Donuts is, he just assumed it was a joke because it sounded funny to him.

And then this conversation with Aunt Lauren:

LAUREN: (Talking about getting food from McDonald’s)

ROWAN: What’s McDonald’s?  Is that the name of a chicken?

I'm good at drinking hot chocolate!

And I'm good at playing the jembe drum!

So, we try to keep his struggles with food in perspective.  His list of “approved” foods might be fairly short, but at least it’s overwhelmingly healthy. 

Rowan passed his pre-K speech assessment, but like all small children he has the occasional language disconnect.  Some of them are too cute to correct.  These are a few of our favorite Rowan-isms:

“cadapter” = adapter

“brefix” = breakfast

“That’s pretty it.” = That’s pretty much all there is.

“pumice” = hummus

“You scared my shoulders.” = You surprised me and made me jump.

“He peeks too loud.” = He’s obnoxious (only used to refer to my brother-in-law, who is rather loud but lovable.)

She thinks he is the absolute greatest.

And he is so proud of her.

We had a small window for co-bathing.

UP NEXT: Kindergarten and Toddlerhood Part II

I’ve been worried about Kindergarten since Rowan was conceived.  We live in a city school district and there are limited options for really good schools.  We can’t afford private school tuition and we can’t afford to move (yet.)  We’ve put his name in the lottery for two of the best public Kindergartens.  They are both EL Education schools, formerly known as Expeditionary Learning.  EL Education basically means learning by playing, experimenting, collaborating … in other words, doing.  Not sitting and staring at a board or paper.  The test prep starts in Kindergarten now and it makes me want to throw up to think about Rowan trying to cope with it.  If he doesn’t get into either school, we’re going to look into a Catholic school up the street.

I was nervous about starting pre-K, too, but this feels more urgent.  I feel like education is spinning out of control right now.  I’m so anxious about it and I’m not sure what to do – about Rowan’s schooling and my own career.  Right now I feel like all I can do is hope for the best. 

Out of control gorgeous!

I mean, seriously?!

I can't even believe these kids.

They are just amazing.

I always roll my eye when people insist that parents of young children “live in the moment.”  The moment often sucks.  I find it’s possible to enjoy my family right now while also looking forward to the future.  It’s wonderful to dream about what we’ll be able to do when the kids are a little older.  I know I won’t be able to hold Matilda while she sleeps forever, so I’m enjoying it while I can.  At the same time, I dream about this summer when she’ll be able to tromp around the background and splash in the kiddie pool instead of just lay on a blanket or in our hot, sweaty arms like last summer.  I miss rocking Rowan to sleep sometimes, but I like being able to draw with him and play games and easily go on outings. 

And I’m sure by the time I write again, my Kindergarten woes will be replaced with something new and I’ll be cursing that Matilda ever learned to walk.  But right now, our near future looks pretty inviting.