Where are we now?

Something about Last Summer

The last time I wrote was late last spring.  Matilda was about to turn two years old and everyone was looking forward to summer vacation.  Now it is very late winter, she is two and a half, and he is six and a half.  We are all fatigued from the past few months.  It has been a harsh and sickly time.  Rowan has been sick more often this past fall and winter than he was his entire life previously.  I had bronchitis for over a month.  Matilda and Ben seem to continuously cycle through the same cold.  We are currently trapped in the house, buried in over a foot of heavy, icy snow and gusting wind.  It is very pleasant to remember summer and to appreciate that it will come again.

We kicked off last summer with Matilda’s birthday party and Rowan got an early birthday present from Ben’s folks – his first real bike!  Much of his summer revolved around learning to ride.  He did not quite manage to graduate from training wheels by the end of riding season, but he became a very confident and capable rider.  Perhaps this summer he will learn to ride on two wheels.  However, he did "graduate" from kindergarten. :)

Once again, we lacked the time, money, and general wherewithal to go on a real summer vacation, but made trips to both Fredonia and Ithaca which were good stand-ins.  In Fredonia, we visited with lots of family and friends and made our first successful trip to Midway Park.  Both kids are a good age to appreciate the historic park and Rowan is now brave enough for the rides (Matilda of course was born brave.)  

 

The highlight of our Ithaca trip was time spent in and around Cayuga Lake.  Swimming in the lake is Rowan’s favorite part of summer – although this year I think it was tied with bike-riding.  Matilda enjoys the shore and will venture into the water if she has Ben to cling to.  I enjoy a quick dip, but mostly I like to sneak off to a more hidden part of the beach for some quality time with a book.  We also went into Ithaca and climbed down to Ithaca Falls.  Sadly, that trip went south when Rowan started throwing rocks and subsequently had a complete meltdown.  Our time in the lake was restful, but a lot of the trip was stressful.  Ben and I love camping and being outdoors, but Rowan gets restless quickly.  Matilda will happily entertain herself, but he gets agitated if he doesn’t have something to do every minute.  I’m not sure what we will do this summer.  Rowan is older and slightly more patient now, but if we do go camping again we will likely need to plan more activities for him.  Or perhaps he can plan more activities for himself. 

Rowan does like to plan and I have been attempting to hijack this impulse and instill in him a penchant for documentation.  I helped him keep a rather exhaustive journal last summer for this reason as well as for him to practice writing and to have proof of our efforts when he accused us of not doing anything all summer.  We recorded something fun and interesting almost every day – playing with friends, going to spray parks and playgrounds, visiting the toy library, and more.  

  

We accomplished almost everything on our summer bucket list.  Sadly, we did not manage some of my more ambition trip ideas.  I am grateful for our summer days together, but they fly by.  Ben and I always think we will get more projects done each summer.  I always think I will manage to write AND make art every day.  I try so hard not to be disappointed every year at the end of August.  We did manage to whip the yard into decent shape last summer and kept it there.  We did some deep cleaning around the house.  And we have two happy and healthy kids.

Rowan’s birthday party filled our backyard to capacity – for once, almost everyone I invited could come.  Which was awesome!  And a LOT of people!  Fortunately, the weather was flawless and there was plenty of food, drink, and Thomas & Friends cupcakes for everyone. 

Rowan received a special gift from Rach-Pea – tickets to ride a real steam engine!  Our ride was scheduled for early on a Saturday morning, so Rowan and I stopped at the market first for breakfast and then drove about thirty minutes south of Rochester to the Rochester & Genesee Valley Railroad Museum in Industry, NY.  The train was legit and we rode the first leg of the trip in the caboose.  The engine pulled us slowly up a hill, out into the country a bit, and then back up into the museum proper (a few buildings and old train cars.)  Rowan and I poked around in the museum a bit – it was interesting but small, and not the most kid-enticing.  Well, I figured, we have the rest of the ride and that will be fun.

But then as we were tooling around we heard the whistle blowing and we turned to see the train leaving.  Apparently, they had misjudged the amount of time we should stay at the museum and needed to hustle back to pick up the next group of scheduled riders.  And apparently when they realized this they had no time at all to alert all of the original passengers, almost half, who were still milling around thinking we had time to kill (since they had told us we had plenty of time to explore the museum and never indicated we should re-board the train.)  Of course, Rowan burst into tears seeing the train chugging away without him.  And although he tends to overreact, this time I couldn’t blame him – I was pretty pissed off, too.  Of course, I was aware that we weren’t literally stranded (the station was only a short walk down the hill), but I was angry on Rowan’s behalf.  He was so excited about this train and it left him in the dust.  I took a few deep breaths and tried not to completely turn into Mom-Hulk, but I did manage to effectively convey to the museum staff that my sobbing, train-obsessed six-year-old deserved to get the second half of his (paid for, and not cheaply) train ride.

So, we trudged down the hill back to the station and they allowed us to join the second group for another ride.  This time we rode in the open-air carriage and Rowan could see the steam engine better, including the team shoveling actual coal.  We saw the countryside and met some of the other passengers.  By the end of the trip we were both pretty spent from all the excitement.  

Predictably, summer ended again. My last real day of summer vacation was bittersweet.  It was a Sunday and I spent the day hanging out with the kids as usual.  I felt exhausted but I wasn’t tired.  I’ve begun to feel exhausted more often when I’m stressed.  I wasn’t up to making dinner so we went to Bill Gray’s up by SeaBreeze.  It was fine, but nothing special.  As we were leaving I noticed the sunset was becoming particularly gorgeous, so on a whim we went to the beach.  And it was lovely.  The kids waded in the water which had finally receded to near normal levels.  This summer’s historic flooding had swallowed the beach.  But there was finally a good stretch of smooth sand again and they laughed, and ran, and splashed and I felt a little better.

 

Fall, and School, and Winter, and Christmas

Time tends to slide by in a rush from September through December.  Our school year routine hasn’t varied too much since Rowan started school, but it’s still an adjustment to go from the flexibility of the summer weeks to the rush of starting the school year. 

We couldn’t make our usual October trip to Ithaca due to low funds (go figure) so we went to Fredonia for our annual family pictures and fall shenanigans.  The weather was perfect and my parents helped us take pictures at an apple orchard in Forestville.  Then the kids had a great time at Harvest View Farms which was set up with a lot of age-appropriate activities.  We also spent some time at the Duliba’s and built a very photogenic campfire. 

 

There are basically no photos from the month of November because we spent virtually the entire month in the house coughing our faces off.  It was a rather miserable time.  We re-integrated into society around Thanksgiving.  Rowan was back to normal by then but I wasn’t back up to full strength until almost Christmas.

The Christmas holiday was good.  We went to Fredonia on Friday evening after school (I was blessed by a colleague willing to cover my last class so we could leave early enough to make it worth going.)  Kelly and I forced a little Christmas magic and made a gingerbread house with the kids.  By some yuletide miracle we made the homemade house stand upright and the kids successfully decorated it with little to no upset.  Of course, later that night in the hot kitchen the gingerbread house that love built collapsed.  But it still tasted magical. 

We had a pleasant holiday gathering with my family on Saturday evening and returned to Rochester on Sunday (Christmas Eve.)  We were all already tired by then, but took it easy with some popcorn and the Curious George version of It’s a Wonderful Life (a real thing and I highly recommend it.)  Santa hit a homerun this year and the kids had a good Christmas morning, followed by our quickly-becoming-traditional red and green pancakes and strawberry and green grape fruit kebabs.  Then we headed to Dryden for Christmas dinner.  We returned home on Boxing Day and collapsed into a collective coma for a day and a half.

Once we had made a full recovery, we enjoyed the remainder of our break.  Ben and I took the kids to Bounce-It-Out for a blessedly smooth outing.  I took a day to drive to Buffalo and revel in the joy of being with Rach-Pea and her babies.  We had a spaghetti dinner with Jen and her babies.  And I think we made our usual Sunday afternoon trip to Brighton library.  It was a good winter break.

Our Affectionate Chatterboxes

Last summer Matilda still often required translation when she talked.  She also had several useful phrases that she would employ regularly: “Be right back. 2 minutes.” (Usually while holding up two fingers.)  “3, 2, 1, ignition!” (She likes to play rocket ship, flying like a bird, and superhero.)  “Carry me a baby!” (Requesting to be scooped up like baby – sadly this game has fallen out of favor.)  “No! My do it!” (and “My can do it.”) “No! I love him!” (If we asked her to stop tackling Rowan.)

Her speech has become much clearer in the past few months.  Like most developments throughout early childhood, it developed gradually but also kind of snuck up on us.  Sometimes she sounds like a little adult, especially when she talks with her hands (she loves to point and emphasize with outstretched palms.)  She likes to explain what she is doing and why.  She asks a lot of questions, almost always starting with “ummmm …. Mom?!” (Or Dad, or Rowan.)  When we tell her something, she has begun to respond with “What!?” and then repeats what you just said. (For example, “What!? I’m going to hurt myself!?”) And she loves to boss Rowan around, but he takes it well.  Most of the time.

As he has learned to read and write, Rowan has lost a lot of his tendency to misspeak.  It’s amazing to witness his command of language grow exponentially, but we do miss his malapropisms. Fortunately, we can revel in his hilarious phonetic spelling.  For example, his birthday card to Grandma Judy was addressed to “Joodee.”  He has also written notes pleading for a “chrejrhut.”  That one took me awhile – it’s meant to be “treasure hunt.”  Also, although Matilda’s speech is much less babyish than it was even a few months ago, she still has plenty of adorable mispronunciations.  Some of our favorites are “can-cakes!” (pancakes) and “pack-pack” (backpack.)  (She really loves her backpack.)  And she calls seltzer “bubbles.”  She’s the best.

It’s rather new, so at times we underestimate Rowan’s ability to read.  There is currently a Thomas & Friends exhibition at the Strong Museum.  It opened a few weeks ago and of course Rowan was super psyched about it.  We promised him we’d go once it was open and I gave him the newsletter that the Strong sent, figuring he’d enjoy the pictures of the trains.  The exhibition opened on January 20^th and we were toying with the idea of going opening weekend, but we weren’t sure.  On the evening of January 19^th, Rowan confidently explained that we would be going to the opening of the Thomas and Friends exhibition at nine in the morning.  He continued, explaining that the museum was opening early for members only.  Bewildered, we asked how he knew all this – “I read it, of course!”  (Side note: He is currently reading, and editing, this passage over my shoulder.)

 

Matilda’s speech is very good, likely due in part to her loquacious brother.  But she still affects baby talk at time, usually only when she is snuggling.  When I come home from work, she runs at me, screaming with delight. (Boy, does she love to scream. Super loudly.)  When I pick her up she gives me one of her amazing full-body hugs and coos “gey-gey-gey-gey-gey-gey!”  For a long time I thought her “gey-gey”s were gobbledegook, but recently she told me she was saying “hug.” 

Rowan was never a very affectionate little boy.  He was always too involved in what he was doing to take the time to snuggle.  Matilda has made him more affectionate.  When I come home and she barrels toward me, screaming with delight, he follows a minute later.  And now he asks for “huggies,” too.  They are very loving with each other.  Of course, the snuggling gets out of hand sometimes – we are constantly having to remind both to listen to each other and both can be too rough.  Rowan is certainly bigger, but Matilda is no lightweight. 

Rowan is very grounded in the real world, but in his own version of it.  He is a strong reader and excellent at math.  He recently started playing Words with Friends with us and promptly became obsessed.  His teacher reports that he is doing very well in school and the only issue is occasionally he is too focused on a task.  He is extremely loving but showing affection was always too disruptive for him – Matilda is small enough, loud enough, and insistent enough to break through his focus and demand some love. 

Rowan’s extreme focus often develops into obsessiveness.  He’ll start the same sentence over and over, beginning with “So, yeah ...” trying again and again to get out what he wants to say.  He also tends to tell us the same thing repeatedly, often only minutes apart.  We have been taking him to a play therapist for a few months now and as we have long suspected, the doctor believes Rowan may be on the spectrum for ASD (autism spectrum disorder.)  Right now, there is no official diagnosis and no need for further intervention since he is doing well in school and in general.  If he were to be diagnosed with ASD, he would be considered very high functioning.  But having a relationship with a therapist is important to us.  As Rowan grows and changes and matures and his surroundings and relationships change, he might need more support.  We’re making sure that his overall health is a priority now, including his mental health. 

It’s Like They’re Twins

Family and friends often remark on how much Rowan and Matilda look alike.  And sometimes I’ll see a baby picture of Rowan and think it’s Matilda, and vice versa.  They certainly can’t deny each other.  And despite all their rough housing and wild, screaming, running games, we often marvel at how well they get along despite the four-year age gap.  I made a comment about that to some parents I was chatting with at the Brighton Library a few months – she’s two and he’s six, but they both act like they’re four, so it works out.  I was being a bit overly snarky, but it’s essentially true.

They act like twins, or maybe an improv theater duo.  They play out imaginary scenarios, make up games, and devise code words.  One of their games is Nap Party – they go in Matilda’s room and pretend to take a nap.  I love that game.  They have also started referring to our bedroom as “the secret room” – I’m not sure why, maybe because of the walk-in closet. 

I hope they continue to like each other.  Their personalities seem to be complementary.  Of course, that might change with age.  I feel like I have an accurate prediction for teenage Matilda (smart, stubborn, and kind of scary) but I am not sure what Rowan will be like.  I’ve joked that “emo” will make a comeback and he will be brooding and sullen and paint his fingernails.  But who knows.  Maybe they’ll get along.  Maybe they’ll be in different orbits.  Maybe they’ll be best friends.

The Baby Phase is Slowly Grinding to an End

One of the hardest parts about deciding to have a second child was that Rowan was already three years old.  He ate regular meals (for the most part), took naps at regular times (and was beginning to outgrow them), and he was almost completely potty-trained.  He was functional and portable.  He was going to be starting school soon and Ben and I were starting to get a slight glimpse of a life in which we were more than just parents.

Matilda meant starting over and for the past two and a half years we’ve been trudging through the baby phase again.  She is completely worth it a thousand times over – Lauren put it best when she called Matilda the exclamation point on our little family.  And a lot of the baby phase is wonderful – holding her non-stop those first few days, watching Rowan introduce himself and fawn over her, witnessing her fiery little personality emerge, hearing what she has to say, and delighting in her hilarious expressions.  

Still, the baby phase is tough for everyone and sleeping has always been the roughest part of this phase with Matilda.  During February break a couple weeks ago we pushed through to a milestone – we discontinued Matilda’s nighttime bottle and rocking her to sleep in favor of a routine that mirrors Rowan’s.  She did amazing for the first week – probably a combination of my being home and the general novelty of the new deal.  Bedtime has been a little harder this past week, but we have not gone back to the bottle.  We’ve also all but given up on naps.  Unless she passes out in the van there’s just nothing doing.  She’s a little young to be nap-less though, so she tends to be cranky in the evening, but it also means she tired enough to accept bedtime with a (usually, mostly) minimal fight.

  

The next and last phase to push through will be potty-training.  That’s our goal for this summer.  She’s been flirting with the concept, sitting on the toilet occasionally when prompted and she’s quite proud when she manages to pee.  Of course, she needs “privacy” while she’s going.  She hides in the little nook next to her shelf and behind her open door when she goes number two.  And she does NOT like to be disturbed.

So, What’s Next?

For better and for worse, the rest of 2018 is likely to be very similar to 2017.  Matilda turns three in June but doesn’t qualify for UPK until she is four.  So, unless our finances become vastly more robust through luck, good fortune, and/or magic, Ben will continue to stay home with her during the week and work weekends and Rowan will continue at his current school.  Once Matilda is ready for UPK we can start exploring new options – Ben might be able to work more during the week and we might be able to claim some of the weekend for ourselves.  That’s the dream.

Once upon a time, we thought we’d be moving by now.  We’ve lived in this house for almost eleven years now – the original plan was five or so.  We have no imminent plans to move and at this point we will almost certainly stay so that Matilda can attend free UPK.  It used to be easier to imagine us moving one day.  We love our house and we have poured so much work into it.  And yet it seems like we’re always behind.  The to-do list is always insurmountable.  I’m sure it will get a little easier as the kids get older.  But what will get harder? 

I took longer than usual to write this time.  I kept meaning to write, but weeks kept passing and I just never found or took the time to sit down and reflect on what we’d been doing.  I was surprised by how well I remembered the holidays.  And that train ride is still clear as day.  It makes me wonder what will be memorable this year.