A letter from last year and summary in the middle of summertime

This post is late. It’s later than average for me. I spent several hours over the past month composing this post. But then I tried to move a picture and the entire post was erased. And then auto-saved. So, it’s gone. Thanks, Google.

Certainly, in the grand scheme of problems that have befallen humans, this ranks incredibly low. But it’s hard not to heave a sigh and several WTFs. I’m really tired. The other day I tried to pick up a bottle of olive oil to drizzle our pasta for dinner. It was an almost-full liter of olive oil in a glass bottle. It slipped from my grasp and landed on the stone floor, shattering. Oil and glass, everywhere.

Recently I told someone that last summer I was “in it to win it” and this summer I am just in it. That sums everything up quite well, I think. Nothing is horrible. But I feel like the tomatoes, cucumber, and summer squash we are attempting to grow – not exactly languishing, but not flourishing.

It’s been nearly a year and a half since I’ve written a summary of our day-to-day life. Fortunately, I didn’t go that long without writing at all. Last spring I wrote a long letter to our friend Lauren, detailing our trip to New York City, a snapshot of our lives in May 2018, and my hopes for that coming summer. The trip was a significant milestone – it was the first time Ben and I had been away, alone, since our honeymoon in 2010. The kids stayed with my parents, another milestone for all of us.

The letter I wrote in May 2018 follows in italics. July 2019 interjections are marked and not in italics.

I feel like I’m constantly struggling to find time for everything and at the same time I keep feeling drawn to laziness and apathy. It’s a constant struggle. I want to write and make art and exercise and get outdoors more, too, but I don’t make enough time for any of it. I’m trying harder and doing a little better. I feel like I don’t make enough time for anything. Even writing this letter – it is hard to make time. There always seems to be something else I MUST DO RIGHT NOW.  The one thing I do make time for is reading. I fucking love reading – it seems to be one of the best ways to quell my general anxiety. July 2019: This is still painfully accurate. I make a lot of to-do lists and they generally keep me motivated, but kids-school-house always jostle for the first three spots in line. Anytime we are free (early summer, February break, spring break) I compose grand plans for everything I need or want to accomplish and, inevitably, we run out of time.

Matilda starts pre-K this fall which will make Ben’s schedule more flexible, but may complicate the overall family schedule. All four of us will be going in four different directions each day. I’ve been looking forward to having both kids in school in a general way, imagining that maybe we will start to move away from our current, no-real-weekend, baton-passing mode of operations. But the actual logistics of this shift are frustrating and anxiety-inducing. I’m not good at change and neither is Ben. I end up having to force myself to initiate and facilitate change when necessary.

So, like I said, Ben and I went on our first kid-free trip since our honeymoon back at the beginning of April. We went to my folks’ house for Easter and then flew to NYC that Monday morning, leaving the kids with my parents. Matt generously paid for our flights (with miles) and put us up in his fancypants new apartment in Long Island City. He has a crazy view of Manhattan and his apartment is comfortable. July 2019: That crazy view is now impeded by a new high-rise.

It had been four years since I had been in NYC and almost ten years since Ben had been there (the last time being when we got engaged.) Although we stayed with Matt and Evan, it was a normal work week for them so we just went out on our own. Thank god for Google Maps because I was super disoriented the first day – exhausted from our early flight and super out of practice at getting around the city. But it came back to me gradually throughout the day and by the second day I only had to look at maps occasionally.

The first day we explored LIC and ate some awesome Thai food at Gaw Gai, a restaurant run by all women. Then we toured P.S. 1 Contemporary Art Center, an art space basically right next to Matt’s building.  It’s currently owned and operated by the MOMA, but it was founded in 1971 by a woman named Anna Heiss. As the name indicates, the center is in an old schoolhouse that was built in the late 1800s. We saw some interesting artwork, but the building itself was the real star of the show. It’s creepy and beautiful and maze-like.

After P.S. 1 we left LIC and went into Manhattan to walk the Highline. I don’t know if you’ve heard of it – the Highline is an elevated walking park that runs along the west coast of Manhattan from Chelsea to the West Village. It’s built on an abandoned train trestle and it’s a beautiful walk. I walked it when I visited four years ago and parts were still under construction. Ben really wanted to see it and I wanted to return, too. He took SO many pictures. The weather could have been better, but at least it wasn’t pouring.

After our walk, we were even more exhausted and rather bedraggled, but we wanted to go out for a nice dinner. We went to Barbuto in the West Village, an inviting place run by the chef Jonathan Waxman. Oh man, it was good. The restaurant was recommended by the author of one of my favorite food blogs (Deb from Smitten Kitchen.)  The food was delicious, especially the gnocchi and the hangar steak, and the atmosphere was very comfortable and welcoming. A nice way to end our first day. July 2019: Barbuto recently closed and I’m sad we’ll never get a chance to visit again. But I’m glad that as bedraggled and exhausted as we were on that first humid, drizzly day in NY after a flight delay, disorientation, and longer than usual walks, we were comfortable and content at that lovely place.

The second day we started out in the East Village, drinking coffee at Abraco (an awesome coffee and bakeshop I love), and just meandering about. Sadly, the weather was rather crappy that day.  We had to duck under a lot of awnings to escape freezing rain. Oh well, we still had fun. We met Matt at Google headquarters for lunch and a tour. His office building is weird – kind of a strange patchwork of various spaces. Some were hyper modern, some were spare, others were surreal. It was interesting to know where Matt goes every day and learn more about his job (which I still only barely understand.) Since the freezing rain persisted, we spent the rest of the afternoon wandering through Chelsea Market (very tourist-y but interesting) and then headed over to the MOMA (same as ever, but included a cool photography exhibition.)

The second day closed with dinner at a Michelin-starred Mexican restaurant near their apartment with Matt and Evan and then Ben and I went and saw a movie that was so terrible it deserves no description.

On our last morning, we traveled to BedStuy and met up with my friend Adrienne and her sweet little baby Winter (he’s about a year old and I love him.) I ate the greatest and most expensive egg sandwich I have ever had. We considered staying in Brooklyn for the day, but decided to go to the Whitney which has a beautiful new building in the West Village, right by the south entrance to the Highline. I must admit I knew very little about the Whitney, other than the fact that it is one of the major art institutions of New York. It has a seriously impressive collection in addition to the current exhibitions. The building has several terraces that are like walkable sculptures with great views. And thankfully it was warmer and less wet by then.

Finally, we traveled back to the East Village to have a late lunch at a little Italian restaurant called Frank. I had been there once years ago and loved it. We ordered a ridiculous amount of food: burrata with tomatoes and basil, gorgonzola and pears, four cheese ravioli, meatballs, and butternut squash gnocchi. It was absolutely too much food. We spent the evening relaxing in LIC before heading to the airport for our postponed flight (this time it was wind; our flight there was delayed for freezing rain and ice.) Overall, it was a good trip and not surprising that we focused on friends, food, art, and wandering. 

Leaving the kids with my parents overnight was a huge step for us and I had a lot of anxiety leading up to our departure. Well, I had a lot of anxiety in March generally and the impending trip was part of it. Kids, work, and money are constantly vying to be the main source of my anxiety. I can manage kid-anxiety okay, in large part because I can talk to them, hug them, and kiss them.  Money-anxiety is almost constant, but usually just a low hum, something I’m used to worrying about. July 2019: Anxiety sucks. As I said to Rowan’s school psychologist during a meeting last spring, it’s not whether you have anxiety, it’s to what degree. After a couple of years with Dr. Abreau, evaluations by said school psychologists, and a recent evaluation at Strong Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics, it’s unanimous that Rowan has generalized anxiety. His anxiety is compounded by his intelligence. He’s very bright. Sadly, this combination makes him perseverate, contributes to his (often) poor coping skills, and leads to difficulty with peer interactions. Fortunately, this combination makes him inquisitive, funny, and creative. Adults love him; children don’t know what to make of him.

We never intended to “fix” Rowan. His relationship with Dr. Abreau is beneficial for providing long-term, professional support. His other evaluations have helped us get a clearer idea of what he (and we) are dealing with when he presents with difficult behavior. At this point, we are not considering medication – we have worked with these professionals to create plans to help support Rowan.

This school year was not very good for Rowan. He still likes school and the main goal is to keep that up. But he had a harder time that usual getting along with his peers and his teacher frequently complained about his behavior. He has a 504 plan in place now and we can use the various evaluations he recently had to expand on that plan. But I worry that school is going to continue to get worse for him before it gets better.

Matilda seems less high-strung than Rowan, but she is also prone to anxious thoughts. She is harder to predict. Earlier this week she was sitting at the dining room table, calmly paying with Play-Doh, when suddenly she began worrying about the flu shot. She quickly escalated to almost sobbing and could not be re-directed with promises that she will not need another flu shot for a very long time. We ended up talking about what she can bring to distract her when next she needs a shot. She moved on after that, but continued to bring up the flu shot and her fears several times over the past few days.

My anxiety got so bad in March that I went to my doctor and considered medication. I tried fluoxetine for a few days but it made me feel so much worse I abandoned it. I have an Ativan PRN now, though – the only time I’ve taken it is the night before we left for New York. I do feel a little better now than I did in March. But work-anxiety is the worse. I’m so overwhelmed at work lately. I feel like I have an insurmountable amount of work to do all the time and I can never catch up. Submitting the yearbook in April alleviated some of the pressure, but I still feel like I’m drowning trying to keep up with planning, grades, and most of all an abundance of kids who just don’t give a shit. I’m so tired of so many kids being completely apathetic about school. And being jerks to each other. And being so, so loud all the time. And administration blaming teachers for everything and putting out fires when they are forced to instead of running the building like a school. I really want to leave but I have nowhere to go. July 2019: This past school year was generally less stressful than last. My 8^th grade classes were more manageable for several reasons, mainly smaller class sizes and tightened up curriculum and classroom routines. Our entire administration has changed. A few things are better, but we’re still a long way from having a coherent and effectively positive school culture.

I went on a couple interviews this past spring. I have only ever been on a handful of interviews in my entire life and I’m not good at it. I think I did reasonably well, but no job offers. I wasn’t especially disappointed – neither job was my dream job. I’m not even sure what my “dream job” would be. I don’t harbor any delusions that everything would be better if I could just get a different job. Teaching is difficult and not district is problem-free.

And it’s not just my teaching career that is causing me to be anxious. I’ve been struggling most of this summer. I’m not even sure I can put my finger on why I’ve been having a hard time. It’s probably time that my doctor pass me off to my own therapist. But then again, what if I do have an internal problem, like a heart condition? Maybe it’s just that as I get older all of the pressure of uncertainty feels sharper and more acute.

I’m really looking forward to summer. Rowan’s teacher, Mr. Ventura, convinced me to send Rowan to the summer program at his school. I hadn’t really considered it, but Mr. Ventura is teaching it and thinks Rowan will benefit. I talked to Rowboat and he agreed a half day of school for part of the summer sounded good. He isn’t required to go every day, so we can take a day off here and there if we want to take a day trip or something.

So, from early July to early August I’ll be taking Rowan to school at 7:30. I plan to use that time to get my butt moving. Your mention of your weight loss inspired me – I really need to lose some weight, too. My acid reflux has been a lot worse lately (no doubt exacerbated by my anxiety) and my hips and knees are not in great shape. I figure I’ll get up early to take Rowan to school, then walk or bike, and then have a couple of hours with Ben and Matilda to work on the house or yard before we pick up the boy and do whatever with our afternoon. July 2019: Yes! For once I nailed it – signing Rowan up for the summer program last year was amazing for all of us. Getting up early each day, getting regular exercise, and keeping Rowan on a schedule was wonderful. By the end of last summer, I felt amazing.

However, we are following essentially the same template this summer, but it doesn’t feel quite as magical – hence my “just in it” comment. I’m sure it is partly the trap of comparison; one time needs to be better or worse than another. A winner, a loser.

It might be that this summer just isn’t sitting the same. It’s not novel like last summer. And my free time to get exercise and enjoy some time alone isn’t producing the same euphoria. Or it might be the new school year looming – I don’t know what we’re getting into. Of course, I didn’t know what I was getting into last year either, but for whatever reason I was more hopeful.

Rowan is still seeing Dr. Abreau for perseveration and general play therapy. He’s starting a soccer club next week – he’s been asking all winter to play soccer this spring. I got him a ball and a little net a few weeks ago. He’s not bad with a soccer ball, for no experience. It will be interesting to see what happens when he’s playing a team sport – I’m not sure how well he will handle lots of other kids screaming and running after the same ball. The soccer club is non-competitive and for ages 3-6, so it should be a good starting point for him. July 2019: No! This time I did NOT nail it. Soccer was a complete disaster. Rowan consistently claimed to love it, but every practice he was completely miserable. More than once we had to leave early because he was having a total meltdown. The combination of (very mild) competition, dealing with other kids, and sharing a ball was too much for him. Obviously, it’s important for anyone to get out of their “comfort zone” to grow. But I couldn’t deal with his constant misery. I didn’t let him sign up this year.

Over the year and a half, he’s outgrown trains and Transformers and moved on to Lego. This seems like a positive development – the train fetish sometimes involved designing and building creative tracks and his Transformers were able to be manipulated, but both obsessions were largely focused on collection. He collects Lego, too, but once he has built a set and played with it as is he quickly dismantles and builds new, creative contraptions. Even complex sets aren’t precious to him. We see less collecting for collections sake and more building a collection of materials to facilitate creative play.

But we still have way too much stuff.

Matilda is still fucking hilarious. She’s been licking us lately and it’s so hard to chastise her for it when we are trying (and failing) not to laugh. Her little voice is so funny, I don’t want it to ever change. I’m jealous that Ben gets to hang out with her all day.

Matilda’s so brave, she’ll try almost anything. And Rowan is getting braver in his older age, too. We’ve been bowling a few times in the past few weeks (mostly birthday parties) and they both insist on carrying their own balls and trying to push/throw them. This weekend we were at the bowling alley in Fredonia for Austin’s birthday and one of Matilda’s balls went down the lane soooo slowly that it just STOPPED at the pins. Rowan accidently threw his ball through his legs behind himself. The kids also went fishing for the first time this weekend with Uncle Ron (my sister’s husband.) Both caught and reeled in their own fish. They were very proud of themselves and it was super cute.

Matilda is still brave and hilarious. Being almost unbearably adorable seems to be her signature move. She’s such a performer. Rowan likes to tell jokes, but for him it’s more of an academic pursuit, paired with his general interest in language and stories. Matilda is just naturally funny and she knows it. Her body language, gestures, facial expressions, and goofy voices – they all slay us. And she tells jokes, too, like this gem: "What did the banana say to Santa Claus? Can your sled get me over the river to my banana castle? It’s made of bananas."

Around the time she turned 3, though, her sweetness began to share the stage with a stubborn streak and a temper. When things aren’t going her way, she tends to tantrum, sometimes hitting or kicking, too. For a while, she was biting a lot when she was mad. She left a few nasty marks on Rowan. Fortunately, she seems to have moved on from that, but she is still quick to hit and needs a lot of help to take deep breaths and calm down when she’s upset.

The kids fight. They get in each other’s way, they don’t always want to share, and they annoy each other sometimes. But they truly love each other. When Rowan comes home from school, Matilda positively tackles him, excited as a loyal puppy. They play a lot of games together. And they always want to make sure each other is okay. Rowan must be more careful approaching an upset Matilda – she’s likely to lash out. But when Rowan is sad, Matilda is quick to comfort him. He was a little sad after school the other day – he felt that some of his friends were leaving him out. Matilda immediately chimed in with a heartfelt, “Don’t worry, Rowan! You’ve always got me!”

Cheers to the rest of the summer.